I am always hesitant to talk about the not so good days. I don’t like to focus on the negative. But these kinds of days are part of my reality. I hope sharing them will help others who are going through the same thing not feel so alone and that it will also help those not going through it to better understand what these kinds of days are like. I often feel cheated when I read about others experiences with their special needs children and they never mention the bad days. I need to hear about them. I need to know that I am not alone in this. I need to know how others cope with the days that turn their world upside down.
Today was a great day! I found out late last night that I will most likely be getting my car back after I thought it was lost forever. Cody was so excited when he found out! We made it to his occupational therapy appointment and were so happy to tell his therapist he would be able to continue with her since I would be able to drive him after we lose our transportation there at the end of the month.
I made dinner for my two boys when we got home. I asked Cody to do something and then it happened.
“If you don’t do what I ask, Cody, you cannot watch TV.”
He ran into the kitchen and overturned the garbage.
“That wasn’t very nice, Cody. You will have to clean that up,” I told him.
“No I don’t,” he screamed and then slammed the handle of the door into the wall several times trying to make a hole.
This is where things get tricky. I have to keep my emotions in check at all times and interact with him in a non-emotional manner. I reinforce what I’ve asked him to do while making him aware of the consequences for his behavior. Sometimes this works. Sometimes it doesn’t. Tonight it didn’t.
He began throwing things from the dining room table and then pulled the tablecloth off sending everything else crashing to the floor. He moved to the living room and threw his weighted vest at me and the TV remote and anything else he could get his hands on. Despite my best efforts, he broke a few of my things. When he gets really out of control (the police will not help, I’ve called them several times), I will go to my room and lock my door until he calms down. This works really well when I am here alone with him. But, my oldest son was here and Cody attacked him.
His aggression can be vicious. He punches, kicks, and if you try to stop him, he will bite you. It takes a lot of knowledge of how Cody does things when he’s angry to avoid being hurt. My oldest son has been out of this environment for a while and was unprepared. Cody injured his right thumb. We thought it was broken, but it’s looking like it might just be a strain.
I can handle most of these episodes, but when someone else gets hurt, it breaks my heart. I am not exactly sure why I am able to handle Cody’s violence better than other people. I believe it comes from growing up in a violent and volatile home as a child. There is also a part of me that believes I deserve this for some reason, that it is some form of punishment for something I did wrong, and that seems to make it easier for me to handle. I’ve watched Cody break my oldest son and my now ex-boyfriend. I wonder, sometimes, at what point he will break me.